Focusing on the love

tattered-heart

 

The hardest thing to do in life is to forgive. . Even when it is the only thing you truly want, sometimes it’s just much easier said than done. When you have been lied to and about, forgiving and forgetting are two things that can feel impossible. The conflicting feelings of all-encompassing love and soul shattering distrust can feel like it’s splitting you in two. Even when the air is cleared, the lies are revealed and the hurt and pain is vented it can be so hard to move on. You can want, with all that you are, to believe that this person has turned over new leaf and is no longer lying to you and saying hurtful things about you behind your back, things that simply aren’t true, but believing it is a whole other story. When the person that’s done the hurting is connected to you through blood and love the pain runs so deep. The desire to forgive and to believe the explanation is intense but is it enough?

We all make mistakes, we all stumble and we fall and hopefully we get back up and keep going. Hopefully the people in our lives forgive us and love us enough to let us put the past behind us. I’ve stumbled and I’ve fallen and I’ve had wonderful people in my life who loved me and forgave me and now it is my turn to love and to forgive. The love is so easy and the forgiving is coming but it’s this vein of distrust and skepticism at every word that is just poisoning everything in my life right now. I want to look at the person that hurt me and cast away distrust and believe that what they’re saying now is true but it’s just not that easy. And I wonder how long will this go on? How long will the past continue to taint the present. I feel in my heart that I’m ready to move forward but apparently what’s in my head isn’t quite in sync.

It does get better each day. With every hug, every kiss, every “I love you”, I believe it more and more. I just wish there wasn’t that nagging doubt, that evil little voice telling me it’s all for show,it’s all fake, it’s all just to get what he wants. I tell myself, he’s young, he didn’t mean to hurt you ……..but he did. Then I tell myself he came clean, he explained why he did it, why he felt he needed to…….. but it was only when he was caught. Would he have flown straight on his own one day? Would my little bird have figured out who he truly is and done what is right? Or would he have just continued spiraling down, taking us all with him until everything was broken, irretrievably? Is it not the very definition of my role in this relationship to see when he needs me and be there to help guide him? Dare I hope that this is just a small yet excruciatingly painful bump in the road for us? Can I believe that this isn’t foreshadowing and chalk it up to life lesson?

I guess those answers will come with time and really it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to feel. It’s up to me to shake it off and focus on the present and let the future sort itself out. It’s up to me to not let the past continue to hurt me and to take from it the lessons that I need and to leave the rest behind.

The rest is up to him……..

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