Dear Santa, I would like a time machine

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Usually, I love Christmas. Our house is always a hubbub of activity. Baking, decorating, friends, family and love. This year I am barely going through the motions. The tree is up. Homemade chocolates are made. Curtesy of my husband and my youngest, the house is lit up outside. Gifts are wrapped. However, maybe 1/3 of our decorations have been put up. Not one single get together has occurred here. My heart just isn’t in it. I made up but didn’t even send, the Christmas cards. Every Christmas carol sounds melancholy and fake instead of soothing or chipper.

Recently we have been struggling as a family. Our children are growing up and trying to figure out who they are going to be. My husband and I are missing our little munchkins. That point in your life when you see your kids pulling away and becoming more independent is terrifying. How is it that we are not the centre of their universe anymore? They are still ours. Why do things have to change? Can’t they just stay our sweet little babies forever? Or even just a little longer? Why did I not realize that having kids sets you up for the inevitable heartbreak of watching them leave you? Off to college……if only that were the way they go. No, before the physical move is the emotional one. Suddenly you realize when your child is hurt or angry they aren’t running to you to make it better. They run to friends and girlfriends or boyfriends. You are suddenly demoted from queen of their world to an annoyance that just has to knock on their door when they are clearly busy on the phone. Instead of being the one they look to to fix what hurts, you are left in the dark with a shrug of the shoulders and an unconvincing,” nothing’s wrong mom.”

Cue the panic. The overwhelming urge to reconnect. The bewilderment of going from super mom to super-pain-in-the-ass-mom. It starts off with sadness but turns to anger. How dare you shut me out? I gave birth to you! I dedicated my life to you. On their part is equal bewilderment. What’s your problem? What’s the big deal? Why are you so upset? So many discussions. So many arguments. So many tears. All, just to be needed. There is a reason they call it growing pains.

So, this year Christmas just isn’t the same. There is no Santa, no sweet eager faces to believe in him. No feeling of excitement and joy.

Maybe, it doesn’t have to be this way though. We should focus on the fact that our boys are both still home. They both still hug and kiss us frequently and not a day goes by without an, I love you, from them. Neither is out getting in trouble or failing in school. They are not intentionally rude or disrespectful. They are just growing up and trying to discover who they want to be.

A little teen angst, an awful lot of reminders to do chores, some eye rolling and occasional impertinence, all things I can handle. Not being asked to kiss the emotional boo boo……not so much.

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5 thoughts on “Dear Santa, I would like a time machine

  1. Looks like you are looking for comments! I am in the same boat as you, the Mom of teenagers. It is so hard to see them grow up and I dread the empty nest… However, I am optimistic and I love Christmas so I carry on with my baking and crafting and sometimes I can convince my daughter to join in and she actually ends up enjoying herself!!
    We just moved from Canada to Kansas so this has been an especially challenging few months for my 2 teens. We left our oldest in Canada attending university. She is supposed to fly in today but a storm is hitting Chicago and it does not look promising. I have spent most of today worrying about her getting stuck there by herself…
    Anyway, gee sorry, I sort of went off on my own tangent!!
    I hope you find your Christmas spirit cause you sound pretty spirited in general from looking at your blog.
    Merry Christmas
    P.S. I love the flag.

    • Thank you Mary. I have my down times but I usually bounce back quickly. The empty nest is not a phase of life I look forward to. Thankfully I really like my hubby so when it happens we will be ok….eventually.
      I am now crossing everything I have and hoping fervently that your daughter makes it to you safe and sound in time for Christmas!

      P.S. I love the flag too!

      • Thank-you! I will happily accept all the crossings I can get!! hee hee …Update is, she is sitting at the airport and her plane is delayed 2 hours…..
        we shall see…

  2. So bang on crystal…… It is an awkward year here too….. As I was wrapping gifts my son is watching and said ” its so weird watching you…. Is this why you spent so much time in your room at Christmas alone…”.He goes on to say that he thinks he was 9 when he knew there was no Santa…. maybe younger…. I looked up at him with tears and he says.”.. wait… you do know we know right mom…. ” LMAO thats my goof ball…. trying to make me laugh… but he saw just a glimps of my hurt…. as My 6″2 210llb baby boy wrapped those long arms around me and hugged me i said ya… but I always told you all as long as you believe …he will come… I guess I just want you to believe a bit longer.

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