So, after my not so mini meltdown and the resulting open wound of a blog post at 3 am ,I wake up to relative sunshine and a renewed faith in myself. Both my boys hugged and kissed me goodbye. Their beautiful, healthy faces were testament to the fact that I am not the monster I allowed myself to feel I was.
With the clarity of daylight and much needed sleep I can once again take pride in my role as a mother. I may not be perfect but I have tried damn hard and loved with all that I am. I will no longer dwell on the opinion of one person who has virtually no first hand knowledge of my family. I will not take any more lashings from a sheltered teenaged girl who has never experienced the joys and sorrows of motherhood.
I will however focus on believing she thought she was doing the right thing. I will tell myself that her cruel and condescending messages and public barbs were coming from the desire to help someone she cares about. For my sake and my son’s, I will forgive. I will chalk it up to youthful arrogance and the inability to see the big picture. The bravado of confronting a grown women who has earned her stripes in life via the safety of the Internet, I will attribute this to flaws in our culture and the current mindset of youth that they can say whatever they want. No matter who they hurt.
I will continue to love my boys and be a mother who says no when it is the right thing to do. As I’ve always told my boys, it would be so much easier not to care but that just isn’t me.
I will continue to focus on the laughter and the love and let the angry moments just be mere moments. I will celebrate each and every accomplishment of my children and let every mistake be a learning experience. I don’t think this means I am in denial. I think it means I know that life has its glitches and its up to each of us whether to let them define who we are …..or not.
So, I start off today with one new scar, one that is still tender but is beginning to heal. I’m sure at night, when the house is quite it will tear open from time to time but it will never be quite so deep again.