Soul crushing pain

Have you ever experienced soul crushing, all encompassing pain? Chances are you are a parent then. Loving someone so much you feel lost in it.

My boys are my everything. Words can not describe the depth of my love for them . Nor can they convey the agony when something hurts them. Especially when it’s me.

Recently I was accused of being fake and pretending I had a happy family. This came as a shock to me. A devastating blow actually. I really thought I did. According to this person my son is brutally unhappy and it is my fault. -Wait. What?
I asked my son if this was true. He denied it. He claimed he has no idea why this person would say that. She, however continued her attack and stood her ground. You see ,she knows him better than I do. Better even than he knows himself.

Grandiose claims aside, it was a shot through the heart into my very soul. A death knell on my self esteem and self worth. This young woman inflicted a worse pain than if she’d taken an actual , physical shot at me. My one true pride was my belief that I am a great mom. No one has ever loved their kids more……….a week ago I was certain of it. Now the occasional sullenness I had attributed to teen angst is proof positive of my failings. His decisions to stay home instead of coming along on family outings- concrete evidence that I am unbearable. I sit here at nearly 3 am with tears streaming down my face because my greatest fear was shoved in my face and I can’t bear it.

It’s always harder at night when there is no work to distract me, no dinner to be made and no one to tell me it’s going to be ok. The silence in the house screams at me that I’m a failure.
In the daylight I can convince myself that everything is fine. This is normal with a teenager. He doesn’t drink, do drugs or get himself arrested. I must have done something right. He still comes and hugs and kisses me hello, goodbye and goodnight. We laugh together. It will all be fine……It’s just hormones. ….. At night, every moment of my life plays before me in my mind like a movie and I am the harshest critic. I see every mistake I made and the intense desire to redo it all burns me alive.

Anyone who sees us says what a great family we are. I believed it too so why has this one unexpected and harsh criticism sent me reeling? Simply because it hit me where it hurts the most. In the most tender of places. My momness.

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